Ryan has always been my independent child. One thing about being so sick is that a child like that lets you love him. Most kids love to be loved. One of my favorite parts of having a newborn is just holding and loving them. My girls love to be loved too. Ryan, however, is a different story.
He doesn't really want me to hug him or even touch him. Sadly, even though I tell him several times a day that I love him, he doesn't say it back. I wish I could change him, but I can't.
I have been allowed to spend more time in the last three days lying with him, caressing his hair, rubbing his back, and hugging him. At the doctor yesterday while he was miserable, he had his head on my shoulder.
Today as he was feeling better, he was back to his old "don't touch me" self. I felt instant disappointment even though I was relieved he was better.
Tonight his fever is again high. He is listless and so tired. I am again high alert and slightly anxious. Another part of me is looking forward to getting to love on him some more. He won't have the energy to reject me.